When a Ugandan loses a job or a lover or a house or (God forbid) a luscious piece of chicken that fell off their plate by mistake, and then they go to their room and cry, that’s a disgrace to this nation.

It’s known the world over that Ugandans are tough ninjas who don’t cry. Look at Justin Beiber. He’s a baby but instead of crying about it, he sings.

Yes, Justin Kalyango Beiber is from Namanve. He sometimes reincarnates as Junior Kazoora but that’s okay. We know the tricks.

I’ll tell you what Ugandans do when something bad happens to them.

Fired from a job

We open a consultancy and make people pay us to Google for them success tips for their businesses. It is common knowledge that when a Ugandan is fired, it is not because he is incompetent. It is because he has become too wise for his boss.

Fired from a relationship

We invite our biggest gossip friends over for a drink and intimate to them about how we have found a bigger purpose in life and don’t have time for anyone anymore, especially girls.

The conversations have more detail. “If you hear anywhere saying mbu she broke up with me, that will be a lie. She’s not the one who is focused. I’m the one who broke up with her because I want to focus on bigger things in life.”

Fired from a house

We invite the same friends over and tell them we are now too focused on even bigger things that we have to make some sacrifices, including paying the rent. That we have some business ventures that require a lot of money and after they succeed, we shall have our own houses even.

If our gossip friends ask us to reveal the business ventures they should gossip about, we tell them they won’t understand. Even us we don’t understand them yet.

Lost a physical fight

We get up from the floor, brush off the greases here and there, then we call our gossip friends over and take them to a quiet corner. We tell them to forget what they just saw. That we’re now too focused to start fighting back. We tell them, “You guys, me I can beat that guy but I just have no time for fighting. I have serious businesses to take care of everywhere.”

Caught stealing public funds

This is the only bad incident where we don’t do anything. We just sit back and relax because we are sure we were doing our job right.