Your mother is wrong. So is your five-figure-salary earning boyfriend. He’s just trying to hold onto the miracle or idiocy that is you.  Just when he thought he’d have to forever settle for his mother as the only woman to ever love him, you came along, loved him, and have now fooled your pretty head into believing that rent and power bills will be paid for in mushy currency. And with all this free education going on, you think he will send the kids to UPE and USE schools.

You my fellow female are in denial. Just like those singers who think endless studio time will turn their croaks to decent tunes, woe unto you. In fact, wululu unto you. And no, Miley Cyrus cannot sing. You need to re-acquaint yourself with that Destiny’s Child song. Not brown eyes. That’s probably the reason you’re in this mix to begin with. Here’s why all men blessed by the poverty god should be avoided.

It’s the biggest ring I could afford. See it? There…in the lower right-hand corner

• There is not a lot going on there. This should be obvious. But you’re in love with a broke dude. Clearly with you, not many things are clear. There is a five figure salary to cover transport, barely make rent and take you out to nice places. On your birthday. If you’re going to keep paying for your own nice dinners, it makes sense that you can do this with your girls. At least, they pick up their tabs.

• All things bright; and clear. Tadoobas don’t count as lighting. You might be having mukene (cat food) for dinner and don’t need light to illuminate your lacking plate but on the special days he buys meat (his birthday) you’ll need proper lighting to enhance the celebration. Nothing romantic about paraffin fumed dinners. And UMEME imprisons power stealers these days.

You told me there was no load shedding at your house you fool! I want a divorce!

• The kids; numbers don’t lie. Half of UPE-attending kids can’t read for “£$%. Daft kids are okay. Daft, broke kids are not. Think galo, yowa-speaking children, smeared in samona. And they will be yowas. Sad, right?
• Love, o Love; girls and women. Ladies and those like me. Love doesn’t conquer all. Money doesn’t buy happiness. But it buys shoes, and bags. Love doesn’t turn mushrooms into chicken. Nothing does. The coke ad lied. Love only makes your blood rush faster. It helps you identify with Celine Dion. It does not serve as a barter trade currency. Hence,”some of our love for some of your tomatoes?” will not work. No. Not even just for ntuula.
• For the haters; some of you swear that all men are dogs. We’ll assume they are. So it makes perfect sense that you put up with a loaded dog vies-a-vie a broke one. That way when he pulls a Tiger Woods on you, you can fly to Dubai on a shopping and think-through-things-spree. On his tab. Just how do you punish a broke man turned dog? Let me tell you how; you don’t get with that in the first place.