Yoweri Kabuga Museveni was declared victor in the 2011 Uganda presidential elections. He wins another term as head of state of the country he has governed for 25 years. This is the first exclusive and entirely fictional interview.

• Mr President, thank you for agreeing to this interview at such short notice. We appreciate it very much. We are privileged and honoured and greatly thrilled to be the first media organization to be allowed to kiss up to you as you resume office.
• Kiss the ring.
• Mptsss.
• Too wet. And I detected a smidgen of sarcasm in your posture.
• That was the people’s voice. Only 68 percent of it is support. The rest is not. Now, Mr President, you are back in the house like Slim Shady. You concluded a successful reelection campaign and beat off all your challengers to retain the seat of head of state. In what way was this campaign different from the others?
• Well, mainly because we had a different electorate this time. As you know there were many first-time voters, a new generation that does not know what I’m talking about when I keep harping on about Obote days, so I had to find new ways of appealing to them.
• You are going to mention that weak rap song of yours right?
• So I hollad at my boys in the studios like, “DJ hook up a phat beat and let me bust some ill rhymes on that joint to represent what I’m talking bout. Word is bond.”
• You have really gotten into the lingo, sir.
• Yeah. This rap music is very exciting. I didn’t expect to get drawn in like this. In fact I’m actually working on an EP right now with MunG and Big Trill. We will release it on reverbnation.
• I’ll make it a point to keep an ear out.
• But my favourite right now is Weezy F Baby.
• Lil Wayne?
• Americans are really creative. We as Ugandans have a lot to learn from developed nations and how they harness their own natural resources to produce viable avenues of economic exploitation. Now you see how the Americans take their wildlife, shave it, and train it to sing songs?
• True. That raccoon has been very successful for them. But back to Uganda. Mr Museveni, what plans do you have for this next term of yours?
• Well, generally speaking our vision is to consolidate the gains made so far by my government so far, to keep Uganda progressing on track, to discover and exploit even more ways to maximize our natural resources and to further cement the vice-grip I currently have on power until the point that not even Armageddon can unseat me.
• Good luck with that, sir.
• Same to all of you.

Mr Museveni was not the only candidate in the elections. Merely the only one who was declared winner. We met one of his opponents in the same fictional capacity.

If only… If only…

• Dr Besigye, thank you for taking the time to sit with us here to speak to the nation about your feelings on the just-concluded presidential elections, in which you came second with less than a quarter of the votes cast. This is the third time you are standing for president and the third time you have lost, so I guess the question is, does it suck all the way down to your soul right now?
• I have never known despair so deep, Baz.
• So it’s misery all over your body, all the way to your bones.
• I never knew it was even possible for one human being to be this sad.
• Have you tried whiskey?
• So much. Anselm is currently hung over from smelling my sweat yesterday. But it doesn’t help. The amount of woe that is upon me cannot be lifted, not even by whiskey.
• I can imagine. But dude, I mean, why do you keep doing this to yourself? Again and again and again? Why don’t you just say, you know, the hell with it?
• But I have a calling, Baz. My country needs me! Uganda needs me!
• F**k Uganda! I say, she had her chance. You are too good for her anyway. You should move on. You know, go somewhere else. Have you ever seen the Seychelles? I have a picture. Check out the Seychelles.

• Wow. She’s hot.
• Dude. They have Sega Dancers in the Seychelles. And Kundi Show is still in fashion there.
• Really?
• Let me tell you a secret. I be here pretending to be patriotic, but even me I get sick of Uganda sometimes. I am also planning to leave. First chance I get I’m out of here. I say we go. This country doesn’t deserve people like you and me.
• Can I be president of Seychelles?
• I don’t know. You have been trying for 15 years and still haven’t managed to become president of anything. Maybe it’s time to lower expectations. We go and have a radio show or something.
• We go.
• Okay. You go first. I’ll find you there. Me I still have things to do in Kampala for the time being. Let me go and interview the other so called “candidates” and then I’ll find you there.